036

i can write

as much as i want

about how i feel

the way i see society

but 

i cannot write about how 

i feel about you

because

infatuation is cruel

it is delusional and

very good

at making me lost for words

when i see you

i cannot look anywhere but

the way you speak

and the way my lungs

burn in my throat

random syllables

spew from my mouth

and scatter across the soil

for nature to feed on

besides you

they try to summon you

to collapse to the ground with them

the syllables are tickling your

curiosity but you

cannot pick them up

because you don't even try

i don't even blame you

i am already so far gone

but the definition

that your letters construct

launch me into an unknown world

slowly breath the life back into my lungs

a burning desire

that you created

like the pits of fire

that hell has acquired

i'll see you there

035

find the poetry in my veins
but do not expose me
know that if i am lost
do not try to find me
i want to die
i want to die
i am ready to say goodbye
but i can't
because how can someone die
if they haven't even lived
i feel as though i am
in a bee hive
sickly sweet torture
and i can do nothing
but
succumb to the pressure
i am ready to be on a flight
far far away from here
but there's no escape
i am 

stuck here

forever

034

daisy chains and
playground games
oh
how people miss childhood
not me
because the only chains
in my childhood
were around my neck
dragging me across the floor
the only swings that I received
were from a punch
a whole
lifetime of sore
until one day i couldn't take it
anymore
i picked up that knife
and stared at the point
wondering what it was
why it was there
the point of the point
and i still remember to this day
the dilated pupils of
six year old me
when she realised that
the point was to cause pain
and i remember
how close she was to
shovelling her guts out
before they could shovel her
into the ground

033

strangle me
until the blood curdles in my throat.
bruise my ribs
allow the air to slice through my lungs.
just allow me
help me to feel something.
i cannot deal with this easy acceptance i have acquired -
to the blunt knives being shoved into my gut.
feed my soul with cigarette smoke
and i'll laugh at the irony
i hope.
maybe graze your knuckles against my temple
mark your territory.
then place the bullet
inside my skull
but
please help me
to feel
something.